i m confused...!

i think i am regretting my decision now.. or sort of.. bcos i realli dont know why i feel this way.. one thing i know for sure.. I cant stand girls hovering around him like bees.. especially when he dont have self control, acting like the honey.. sometimes i really wonder why cant he just brush all of them away wif a simple no.. why does he have to make things so complicated.. misleading ppl n all.. all these mayb are just part and parcel when u go out dating... but a definitely no-no when u have a girlfren.. and whenever i bring these issues up against, he always just have nth to say.. keeping silent.. i wish he would defend for himself.. but sadly no, his silence meant i was speaking the truth..

so much of all the promises he gave... n yet i stil have a feeling he wont be able to fulfill them bcos he just cant be firm on such issues.. i dont think i can live with a guy like that.. today i poured everything out to carol.. abt vday.. abt everything.. she said there will always be a second time he cheats.. n since its already the second time, why am i stil putting up wif him? bcos i love him? or bcos i just used to him.. i dont know anymore.. everyone kept asking.. where did he bring u to... what did he get for u...
how the fuck am i supposed to say... nothing? n that would totally embarrass him.. but thats the truth isnt it.. i seriously dont mind.. but nth planned for e day? its the same scenario as my birthday.. he used to put in a real deal of effort in his ex-gf.. but on mi.. most of the celebration are zero.. i think i sound like a petty little girl.. but whu cares.. i think for once i ought to be treated more like a girl..

I hinted to him wat i felt abt our r/s.. just a simple msg.. do u think we can stil be frens if we go our separate ways.. i dont know.. of cos i hope things betw us will improve.. but if its not gonna.. then.. its the end..

erm.. i didnt update as promised.. lol.. i am trying my very best..

2 weeks ago on wed.. i went phuture wif my colleagues.. ltr on pu n marcus came over to look for us.. haha.. quite an interesting night.. had fun dancing my worries away.. except for some irritating guys..

sat down to boiler room again.. wif rh, wee, cindy, agnes, etc etc.. wasnt feeling very nice tt day.. i have alot of serious issues wif him.. uncovered lots of dirty secrets.. n its just killing mi that i dont have the chance to voice it all out.. pms-ing for the whole day.. went down to boiler in a depressed mood..

for god knows wat reason.. i just started to tear.. rh saw mi, so i signalled to him to get out of the place n i poured everything out to him.. i was crying non-stop.. i just cant help it.. i am really upset over wat lucas did.. i think it was really dramatic tt day.. cos he suddenly came out to look for mi.. n i spoke to him.. totally broke down just outside boiler room.. i was sobbing really loudly but at tt time i cant seems to control myself.. haiz.. i felt so cheated.. all the promises he made to mi were all empty words.. n i was really deciding that we should take a break.. i think i kind of shock him.. bcos he has nv seen mi breaking down before.. at least not bcos of him.. he said he realli didnt know that it affected mi so much..

mayb i was realli hoping that he wake up his idea.. tt night i went back to his place.. tot abt it the whole night.. n i stil realise that despite all, he stil has not spill the beans n tell mi the truth.. so i demanded an explaination from him before i come to any decision..

well, he called.. n said that he knew his mistake asking for another chance.. i dont know why.. at tt time i was really determined.. i told him i really need to think abt it.. i will give him an answer soon.. i went to colour my hair.. n back home to slp.. he kept msg-ing mi asking mi for another chance n tt he realli cant lost mi..

i ignored all his msgs.. after tt good rest, i felt peaceful.. but despite the peacefulness, there is just sth missing.. n i realised that it wasnt just being used to having him around, the thought that i might lose him one day really frightens mi.. i called him quickly n told him my decision.. but its gonna the last n final chance..

i really hope things will turn out better..

The past week was night shift for mi.. tiring week.. -_- bcos i dont get enough slp everyday!.. its either i have to wake up early for ot.. or i was doing his present till real late before i catch my morning slp.. sat supposed to head down to chinatown wif him.. end up we went to boiler wif the jr, agnes, spenc, karin n pj.. agnes n mi headed down to dbl o.. n i drink my jug of lychee martini! hehe.. boiler room that night was disappointing..

Sunday i had to wake up early for lunch wif my boss n colleagues.. at soul garden.. -_- of all places.. in the end we went in late bcos alot was late.. mi, bec, danny, terence n kc ate for an hour then we rushed off.. -_-''' i met up wif him.. for last min cny shopping.. we stil have not bought our clothes.. n we spent most of the time at levis outlet.. finally bought my jeans.. hee.. rushed back his place n we went down to chinatown..! bought decorations n flowers.. went back his place n we started decorating his hse lol..

this week.. morning n i stil got to work on sat.. wtf! asssss...